What I really want in life?

It was a year ago since i last updated. 
I am not sure if it is due to lost of interest in writing or I am just too 'busy' with life. The reason I am writing again? You asked me to, when we last met since i am now super free. LOL. 

Life is stressful when; 
career is at stake. 
relationship is at stake. 
well, everything is at stake, shaky and unknown. 
i am like gambling all i have, ALL. 

#1, career. 
I made a very courageous switch. Some call it courage, some call it stupid. Yah, I left my comfort zone of a job that pays me well enough for all that i have for a job that pays 20% less. On top of that, I am also facing a risk of pay cut every month of 20% if I do not hit the sales target. So what was i thinking at that point of time? 

  1. I wanted to be out of manufacturing
  2. I wanted to earn as I work, so sales is the one
  3. I wanted to help those in need of jobs
I was in cloud 9 when I was being offered the position after going through tough interviews + orientation. I remember the day when i signed the offer letter, met a few ang mohs in the lift and high fived to them, they were like, congratulations lady! It was really a good start. I was so excited. Minus the part where I had to argue through for making the decision to leave my comfort zone.
And now I have made the wrong move. A total beautiful picture painted but once on board, OMFG. What has happened? It was not what i have looked forward to. Not the exact expectation I have. I forgot, they do not do charity, they are there for business. Business. So does it mean, in business, you have to sacrifice some of the moral values? Everyone has a bottom line. It has crossed the bottom line that I have set for myself. And on the day I left, true colors were more obvious. They just heck care you leave. Not a word. This will be the worst ever leaving I had. WORST. Humans could be this cold blooded. I guess I am no value to them but well, I just hope anything that goes around comes around. I believe in karma. Ohh, the position is Associate Consultant. You help people to get jobs. It is the job that i have been thinking hard to get into. Too bad, it did not turn up good. I am not sure if it was due to the company or due to me inexperienced.
Fortunately, not all that is bad. I am glad, I foster new friendships with one colleague and candidates, at the same time, manage to help them as well. :) Because of this resignation, I have a little holiday to KK and back to Penang for a longer period of time. 

And now that i have left, i am totally lost. I do not know where my next step will be. I do not know if i should continue with my passion. I am now making use of this time for some soul searching. I am really traumatised.

#2, relationship

2 years ago, things seem to be very much better. At least, I did mention relationship is the only element that I was happy about. But things gradually change over time. Bf was caught flirting red handed. Worst part? He denied and argued saying those were not flirtatious, just normal catching up. Am I stupid or do I look like a retard to him? This happened not only once, several times, minus those undiscovered, I do not know exactly how many times he has been doing that behind my back. I really had enough of those. It is something that I do not accept in a relationship. Not like I cannot accept flaws in a relationship but flirting is a big NO NO! Once again, the relationship that I have been dreaming of, shattered. Ok, no one is perfect. I have my fair share of wrongs as well. Contributing to some unnecessary arguments due to my misunderstandings towards him. I do not know if i have learnt or i just put less hope that the relationship will work out. Less arguments now. But somehow the trust has gone many levels down. He says that i am just being paranoid but who will not be after going through such encounters? I may not be a gd gf i know. But i tried. I do not expect him to change. Any changes in him with me being the reason will not be long term. It will not work out. I do not know if i made wrong decision again for this relationship. I see no future with him nor he is the man that I want. Not that he is not good enough, just, no future and no plannings. I am looking for a person who could build a relationship with me. Like we work towards getting a house, work towards a life together. His reason? You want to tie yourself with that 45 years of loan is it?! Cant you just don't worry and let me plan? etc etc etc.. All these are the standard answers in the form of questions to shut me up EVERY time i talk about future plannings. Do you see any future in such silence in relationship? Not allowed to have any discussions. To me, these are just a way to avoid the discussions. I want a man who could discuss, visualise and plan ahead. He could not tell me any at all. Besides that, he could not engage himself to the activities that I want to do. Why am i still in the relationship then? or why are we still hanging on? The reason i could think of is that we are both just too comfortable and too familiar with it, so we just stick to it. He could not provide both i need the most, security and loyalty. I do not know how far we could grow. I miss days when I am single so that I will not have an expectation. That would be simpler. 

So what do i really want in life. 

I want a home, a complete home. 
I want a career that could pay me a handsome sum. 
I want to play mj every Saturday/Sunday with my friends, or any activities that could be done tgth with a group of close friends. 
I want to travel at least once a year with my mom. 

They look simple but tough to achieve. 
Anyway, life goes on and I will work towards my simple yet colorful life that I desired! :) 

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and so i left after 1yr and 11mths...

isnt it fishy that i did not stay to hit 2 years for my first ever permanent job in my life despite of the hardship of securing the next job? 
either by fate, by the tremendous urge of wanting to leave or by whatever both internal and external force that push me to leave before hitting tt 2 years, i am glad i made the call! :)

i am definitely not the person who likes job hop and i strongly believe i am patient enough to stay longer than tt period of time if things did not turn to that extreme sour. ever since the day i was being ripped off from what i hv been doing, i was in absolute low morale and my brain started to think for myself, to decide my own direction rather than being 'leashed' around. 

i was being transferred to another position unwillingly. i expressed myself to both past and present superiors telling how unwilling i was to hold the position but all fell into deaf ears. i will come to that in more details if i hv the time to explain why these supervisors are being so negligence towards my needs. 

it was not a permanent transfer (according to the management) but it was not at all convincing to me. no memo or official email or letter informing the duration of the transfer, nothing. how convincing is that? 
just by the process they transfer me, it was as though i am being dumped into a trash bin. yes, you read it right, dumped into a trash bin.

not a demotion, but a transfer, they assured me. having to say tt, trying to convince me in every way, they told me tt i hv a subordinate who will be reporting to me and the transfer is a career path and growth to me. 
at tt point of time when i was being told of all this, i thought to myself, do i look like a retard to these people? 
do i? again, no memo, no email, nothing regarding this. so is this convincing that it is a career path for me? i do not need a subordinate reporting to me justifying a career path, pls. 

and well, i switch to the position, aft being verbally informed for 2 working days! yes, the 'being dumped' feeling is here again. i was not given a chance nor an arranged training from the person who is leaving before stepping in for that position. thats how i was 'being dumped' again and again. trashed.

i stayed in the position that i hated for slightly more than a mth and i handed the golden letter! yeah, i tendered!! before i left for my holiday with mom. 

even tendering was a difficult one. i could not get my boss. went over to HR and HR directed me back to my ex ex boss. and, this is the part that flared me up. he was at jk. called him, nvr ans. fine, he returned call and upon knowing tt i wanted to tender, he texted me telling me that he might be going back to changi. this is like expecting me to wait for uncertainty? no way! i have to throw the letter by tt day as the nxt day i will be leaving for holidays. so, i went up a level higher, to his boss. ok, i handed to him. could not find him too at first. called him, meeting. texted him and arranged for me to look for him when he is available. so i handed to him, not the person tt i wanted to hand to actually....sigh.

i wish i could throw the letter to tt boss who screwed my life! my efforts! my dedication to my work for the past 2yrs! all tt i hv single-handedly built! he fucking ruined it! argh! anyway, for the lies and things and everything he has done behind my back, i shall wait for karma. what goes around comes around. i alw believe in tt. 

as for now, i am glad i left.  :)

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life(s) updates...

it has been 5 mths since i last updated.

personal life;
have stepped into the working society for a yr now...and frankly speaking, i am pretty bored already...

true, i have got what i wanted but not enuf.the desire of getting more of what i have now is really causing me to feel vr unhappy. discontented, describes what i am now.

this will go away. soon. i promise. just the mindset thats playing the trick. once my passion is discovered, boredom will be chased away.....

working life;
increment, yes.
bonus, yes.
rewards, yes.

what is missing then.
higher increment, more bonus, and monetary rewards are missing.

and now with the current of slowing down of economy, shutdowns. note, with an 's'.i have gt no more leaves, it means, all shutdowns will be deducted by unpaid leave. last yr at this point of time, i remember, my project was fire-fighting. it was madness then. now, total 180degree of difference.

no more con-calls. no more daily meetings.
(these are gd for me, actually, rather than previously whenever i was late for meeting i could see black face of my supervisor, telling me, dont be late again. i hv gt reasons, i dn like being late too!)

i think i am js too used to being bz, fighting and a sudden slow down makes me feel vr unproductive. :(

relationship life;
the only life that i am happy with now :)

though we have our disagreements, glad tt things got solved eventually.

a great company, a good listener and an awesome best friend is what i need to complement my dull life...

a big thank you, my man. :)

and today, we celebrate 16-mths of being together.


before ending this entry,

below is the award that recently received by my team on 26-aug. with that, i have obtained twice star awards, individual and team.
there are no more awards to fight for.

p/s - wishing everyone a gd break this raya!!

selamat hari raya :)

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oh! working life. again. the brutal reality of human beings.

today i learnt tt,

in working life,

there is no such thing as team work.

there is no such thing as working together.

just work.
protect yourself.
continue working and continue to protect yourself...

things need to let go, den let go. no one's gg to appreciate the committment nor the hard work anyway.

at the end of the mth, regardless of hw much effort u hv put in, the salary js maintains its numeric numbers. so why bother?!

who cares when u work tt extra hrs? who cares when u fall sick? who cares when u MC? who bothers?

oh wait, they DO care. when cant meet target/line down.

so, just work lar!!!

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a little motivation from flextronics...

7 mths and 9 days in flex, i am awarded the star award!!


have no idea hw much it meant but keep hearing abt the star award from my fellow colleagues.

mixed feelings of getting it.

seems like pressure piles up even more ever since the award.
from all sides...

anyway, happy tt my supervisor acknowledged my hard work which will end up in me working even harder...jst tt sometimes i get tired, i hv to put a stop and rest...tt would be my weekends...

with the award;
at least i noe, i didnt let the person who recommended me in down. and didnt let my mom down.
didnt let anyone down with such acknowledgement.
thank youss, loved ones.

the cert + 200 vouchers.

the cert. k, my name is wrong. cos system captured as such. its ok ;)

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i hv js gone thru a wk of minor depression mode.
across cny.

true i had a gd rest at home bc in pg but all along i didnt feel right.
my mood swings.
my mind thinks only the negative side.

i duno what is wrong wif me.
it seems tt i hv lots of worries in me. -embedded- with no solutions.

the worries of my life which consists of;

my mom, family.
my relationship.
my job.
my financial status.
my network.
my beliefs.

with my current condition; i would say tt i am gd

my mom, family, all in gd health with gd life...
my relationship, i have quite a stable one...
my job, so far still meet the expectation...
my financial status, no loan shark except for ptptn...
my network, i hv gt plenty of gd frens...
my beliefs, i am still clinging on what i blif...

so what is thr to worry abt?

my mom, family, i cant provide enuf...
my relationship, i feel paranoid & insecure...
my job, lots of pressure...
my financial status, needs more stability...
my network, i hv got no time for them...
my beliefs, swing when something goes wrong or against me...


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its 2011!!

first and foremost,
happy new yr everyone and may this yr a prosperous one!!!

had a peaceful, not vr noisy, homely countdown to 2011.
was invited over to weiquan's parents' golf friends home party.

too long of descriptions huh?
in short, uncle yip's home party.

i really thought we will not stay long thr, at least not till 1 jan 2011 but somehw, we did.
mr ng. didnt want to leave~! told him to leave earlier but he insisted on staying. hmph~

anyway, i had a gd meal, a long karaoke session and countdown over the screen in uncle yip's hse. it was overall a gd, comfy experience for a new yr.

a gd start, i would say.

seeing the golf frens of his parents giving one another a tight hug, a handshake made me feel lots of warmth in thr when the clock marked the new yr...

perhaps, it has been a long time since i had such connection with people ard me
i am grateful with such a countdown

no crowds

sounds like aunty-like kind of party. k, age is catching up i supposed.
but me like.

tt didnt end my new yr yet!

cos aft tt, we both went to

erm, correction.

i won k.
the nxt day.

anyway, tt was nt the main concern.
the main concern of the starting of the yr is tt i hv got great company.
the person who has accepted me to be part of his life.
thank yous.

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