What I really want in life?

It was a year ago since i last updated. 
I am not sure if it is due to lost of interest in writing or I am just too 'busy' with life. The reason I am writing again? You asked me to, when we last met since i am now super free. LOL. 

Life is stressful when; 
career is at stake. 
relationship is at stake. 
well, everything is at stake, shaky and unknown. 
i am like gambling all i have, ALL. 


#1, career. 
I made a very courageous switch. Some call it courage, some call it stupid. Yah, I left my comfort zone of a job that pays me well enough for all that i have for a job that pays 20% less. On top of that, I am also facing a risk of pay cut every month of 20% if I do not hit the sales target. So what was i thinking at that point of time? 

  1. I wanted to be out of manufacturing
  2. I wanted to earn as I work, so sales is the one
  3. I wanted to help those in need of jobs
I was in cloud 9 when I was being offered the position after going through tough interviews + orientation. I remember the day when i signed the offer letter, met a few ang mohs in the lift and high fived to them, they were like, congratulations lady! It was really a good start. I was so excited. Minus the part where I had to argue through for making the decision to leave my comfort zone.
And now I have made the wrong move. A total beautiful picture painted but once on board, OMFG. What has happened? It was not what i have looked forward to. Not the exact expectation I have. I forgot, they do not do charity, they are there for business. Business. So does it mean, in business, you have to sacrifice some of the moral values? Everyone has a bottom line. It has crossed the bottom line that I have set for myself. And on the day I left, true colors were more obvious. They just heck care you leave. Not a word. This will be the worst ever leaving I had. WORST. Humans could be this cold blooded. I guess I am no value to them but well, I just hope anything that goes around comes around. I believe in karma. Ohh, the position is Associate Consultant. You help people to get jobs. It is the job that i have been thinking hard to get into. Too bad, it did not turn up good. I am not sure if it was due to the company or due to me inexperienced.
Fortunately, not all that is bad. I am glad, I foster new friendships with one colleague and candidates, at the same time, manage to help them as well. :) Because of this resignation, I have a little holiday to KK and back to Penang for a longer period of time. 

And now that i have left, i am totally lost. I do not know where my next step will be. I do not know if i should continue with my passion. I am now making use of this time for some soul searching. I am really traumatised.

#2, relationship

2 years ago, things seem to be very much better. At least, I did mention relationship is the only element that I was happy about. But things gradually change over time. Bf was caught flirting red handed. Worst part? He denied and argued saying those were not flirtatious, just normal catching up. Am I stupid or do I look like a retard to him? This happened not only once, several times, minus those undiscovered, I do not know exactly how many times he has been doing that behind my back. I really had enough of those. It is something that I do not accept in a relationship. Not like I cannot accept flaws in a relationship but flirting is a big NO NO! Once again, the relationship that I have been dreaming of, shattered. Ok, no one is perfect. I have my fair share of wrongs as well. Contributing to some unnecessary arguments due to my misunderstandings towards him. I do not know if i have learnt or i just put less hope that the relationship will work out. Less arguments now. But somehow the trust has gone many levels down. He says that i am just being paranoid but who will not be after going through such encounters? I may not be a gd gf i know. But i tried. I do not expect him to change. Any changes in him with me being the reason will not be long term. It will not work out. I do not know if i made wrong decision again for this relationship. I see no future with him nor he is the man that I want. Not that he is not good enough, just, no future and no plannings. I am looking for a person who could build a relationship with me. Like we work towards getting a house, work towards a life together. His reason? You want to tie yourself with that 45 years of loan is it?! Cant you just don't worry and let me plan? etc etc etc.. All these are the standard answers in the form of questions to shut me up EVERY time i talk about future plannings. Do you see any future in such silence in relationship? Not allowed to have any discussions. To me, these are just a way to avoid the discussions. I want a man who could discuss, visualise and plan ahead. He could not tell me any at all. Besides that, he could not engage himself to the activities that I want to do. Why am i still in the relationship then? or why are we still hanging on? The reason i could think of is that we are both just too comfortable and too familiar with it, so we just stick to it. He could not provide both i need the most, security and loyalty. I do not know how far we could grow. I miss days when I am single so that I will not have an expectation. That would be simpler. 

So what do i really want in life. 

I want a home, a complete home. 
I want a career that could pay me a handsome sum. 
I want to play mj every Saturday/Sunday with my friends, or any activities that could be done tgth with a group of close friends. 
I want to travel at least once a year with my mom. 


They look simple but tough to achieve. 
Anyway, life goes on and I will work towards my simple yet colorful life that I desired! :) 






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