endless

things hv turned vr sour lately...
kept shedding tears for the past one wk... -ugly-
reason(s)?

suffocation.
i was pushed to a corner til i could not breathe. my patience limit has finally voiced out. which in turn, i freaked out. i got extremely pissed off. i do not know how to frame the dissatisfaction in words. i guess its me to be blamed. too often tt i stayed silence. til the extent tt ppl dn realise my existence and eventually i was neglected and pushed to a corner, shielded...

i cried for almost a wk. it was madness.
me? crying again??? argh~ i hate this form of stress releasing. a way of unleashing tt i nvr agree with. but i cant help it. it just happened. it must be me getting weaker...

i kept crying to dajie over the phone. i guess she is the only person tt i would really show my true feelings. i talked to her for an hr days ago. telling her how depressed i was. she talked me out. she comforted me. she advised me. she is like my real sister. i am fortunate tt she is alw thr when i am down and need someone to cry on. she hated the present me. the unhappy me. the depressed me. i was a total different person she once knew. how much i hated the fact tt i did fall hard and still trying to make a climb bc to my old self.

i hv lost alot of confidence. my morale is at negative i would say.

and when finally dajie has made me feel better, thr comes another hurdle. another argument. another disagreement. another piece of worry tt i hv to face...

p/s: i dislike this piece of entry.

Category: 5 comments

姚滕奚

我终于明白
原来你没有我 也可以过得很快乐
但是你知道我没有你
我过得怎样吗?
你不知道
我天天在想着你过得快乐还是委屈

分开前
你变了 变得不一样了
真的不一样了
没有从前的你
那个深怕我生气的你
那个从不盖我电话的你
那个没有我你会不快乐的你
那个我伤心生气时 会把我哄开心的你
没有了

可是我依然停留在有你的日子里
以为一切可以回到从前
真的以为

我很不快乐
非常不开乐
很讨厌我自己当初没有好好的珍惜你
以为是为你好
谁知我错了
自己也受伤了
没关系
你快乐就好
所有都不重要了
最重要是你快乐
已经很足够了

我的心好痛
那种感觉
已经麻木了
不知在多久以前
很久很久以前

都是我的错
都怪我
想对你说对不起
可是已经来不及了

我好想你
真的好想好想
好想好想你

好想可以回到过去
回到你身边...

Category: 0 comments

tzu chi camp

it was an impulsive decision tt i went for this camp.
it was a last minute decision.
a decision tt has made me more of myself.
i was thinking it must be i was too lost lately tt i need a breakaway.

so i went.
i wan to thank my roommate, ming rei for this.
well, she did not persuade me to go but it was for her companion tt i went for the camp.

i am happy throughout the camp cos i hv learnt more and gained more on things tt kenot be obtained through formal education.

first
i learn to appreciate what i hv.
count my blessings. i learn not to wail over the need to bathe, the need to eat, the need to do alot of things. i am fortunate tt i am stil able to do all tt i can do now when ppl out thr cant. i learn to give more than i could. i learn to appreciate my mom more and not to wait till i am successful and provide her more security. (k, tt was my initial thinking)

second
i learn not to look bc and i hv to look forward.
(i am surprised to listen to the answer of mr. sakai, when asked 'what is your greatest regret in life?' he answered me, 'i could not provide fd and proper shelter to my family.)

mr. sakai is one of the many tt received aid from tzu chi. he was a drug addict. i expected him to tell me tt he regretted his life bc then but no, he gave me an answer tt really made me realised the mistake i hv made; i regret on the past. he told us, dn look bc, look forward, let past be the past, what is important is now, appreciate what we own and hv now...

third
i learn to mingle.
for the past two days, i hv been mixing with people who are younger than i am. in a group of 8. all younger than i am. for this, i am glad i meet new friends. besides tt, i get to meet two lovely 2nd yr medicine students. both the same character, both are roommates and both hv wacky character =] they hv changed the mindset of me tt medicine students hv got whole lots of benefits. in fact, they are just like us. nth extra.

i get to meet an international student in the camp too. she is from china, nanking and from her i learn courage. she shared with us tt she went to ipoh and kl all alone the last break. if i were her, i dn think i would hv done tt. glad meeting her. =]

guess tts all tt i wann share from my camp experience. there are alot more but time restriction. need to get bc to fyp.

let the pics do the talking...

the building of our dorm

the road to our beds

my bed for the 2-day camp

the fans tt were provided for us from tzu chi wen we complained it was too hot. thank you.

one of our break time meal. yam cake ^^ yummy =]



our first breakfast, burger ^^ love it to bits, yummy~
din noe vegetarian burger could be tt tasty

the packing of our burger + our milo

my roommate, ming rei

our gp's father + leader

my coursemate, my fren, my study gp member ^^ benghin aka star =]

our irene shigu, who brought us to visit mr. sakai

the 3 musketeers, tt was wad our leader called us...the noisiest is yong le ^^

my roommate again ^^ =]

us again. unprepared yet. candid.... ;)

k, prepared. group 5 =]
the one with peace sign, is my lovely leader and my lovely gp mate, li yi...
us in front of hanging bridge. scary bridge...
us again. ^^

again. in front of a hut. or a hse. count our blessings.

my lovely gp mate. yong le...the 2nd yr med student who changed my mindset of med students... =]


candid ^^


the lovely and pretty girls~~
:)

after the camp.



all of us.

candid ;)

and last but not least,

our delicious meals... yummy yummy~~ =]






thank you tzu chi. thank you to all tt acc me and gave me a great time during the camp. thank you. =]

Category: 1 comments

jz a piece of my emo-ness.

i do not know if these are the feelings a person would possess when at a junction of life turning.

i cant help it but my mind has gone really wild lately. insane. berserk. whatever u call it.
i keep thinking the negative things. abt myself mostly. then the focus shifts to people ard me. i keep on doubting. i am losing faith.

i feel extremely uncomfortable and uneasy. whenever i am questioned, any questions, i hv got absolute zero mood to answer. i feel childish. feel so unexposed to the outside world. feel shelled. i hv no idea what exactly going on the outside.

in short, i am now lost.

Category: 2 comments