this is me

here i am, lost again.
after staring at the pc for some time, msn wif jass and yen thing, fb for awhile den i came to the thought of blogging...a virtual space tt i hv initially planned to unleash...

sorry frens...this is going to be another depressing entry...

i think i hv made the wrong decision ever since...i hv been denying tt i made the wrong decision of coming for engineering...cos i really HATE it now...

i duno wad it is all abt...the fear in me is accumulating day by day...the fear of not getting to graduate...the fear of if i were to graduate, what kind of job would i land on...the fear of not being able to work...not knowing how to work to be exact...cos i HATE engineering!

so much of feelings...all mixed up...
duno how to straighten things out...
in a lost state...

walao eh...this wk is a fucking busy wk...k, sorry for being a little erm, hard with my word cos tt is the only word tt could REALLY stress how busy it is this wk!

i am writing this in the midst of editting the useless ass-ethics.
ugh~!!

#ethics.
the word itself describes what it is. BUT. all this while, we hv been using unethical way to submit the ethical ass. the most meaningless ass ever. what we hv been doing is to cnp. a skill tt has developed in each and everyone of us, i believe.

k, i myself is surprised to say this, i start to miss mr. liau. (killer in our course...k, he 'killed' my airtics...) i miss his numerical methods ass...at least, i really DID learn smth out of those ass-es...not like ethics, i learn ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...and every friday, (alrite, 10 fingers are enough for the amount i attend his cls the whole sem, i admit, hehe....) we hv to listen to his braggings...trust me, the penguin/the mad scientist (my fren calls the lecturer the former, cos his gestures do look like one...and i call him the latter cos he looks like one...kekek) can really brag...his arrogance is on top of the roof...

i rmb so well on his first lesson, he said to us, 'you go ask, i am the first professor ever to throw a chair to the student'

he was so proud for saying tt or more to hv done tt and i thought to myself, 'oh yeah? den i shall be the first student to throw a chair at the professor!' but of course, it was just a thought although i really wanted to do tt...

well, i hope he nvr found out tt thr is a student here complaining silently in the midst of doing unethical ethic ass...i still want to graduate in 'piece'...*fingers crossed...

enough said, bc working. -sigh-

p/s - cnp = copy and paste.

mommy called ytd..asking me abt the shower cream i alw used. she was shopping in tesco but tt was def not the MAIN reason she made tt call. hehe. i knew it. she wanted to reconfirmed her daughter's flight to brunei. and so i told her again the flight is today and leaving at 4pm...

i was vr happy wif her call ytd because for the past one wk, she had given me silent treatment and tt call really made me so so so HAPPY =]

on oth occasion, had a short chat wif a fren this morning. made a 5-yr promise. 20-09-2009 to 20-09-2014. a promise tt i take seriously for i hv owed him so much. so much tt sometimes i feel vr guilty for nt being able to repay anything bc. my bad. i am incapable of paying anything bc. the least i could do to repay him is to keep him fresh in my mind, to appreciate his unconditional friendship (though sometimes he bully me oso lar~) and to alw remember him. and so i promised and dealt wif him tt 5 yrs aft i would make a call and tell him.

he, as 'cunning' as usual, before i even had the chance to save tt promise in hand set, he said, 'no saving in diary or hp' wahhhh...i was like, this fren of mine is one in a million!!! perhaps, he knew i hv got lousy memory, will do tt immediately aft promising him. but how could he be tt fast?

and so i navigated away the calendar menu on my hp and remember manually into my c3 memory...
(in fact, this is not the only promise i made to my fren.)

i wan to express my gratitude over several things tt i really really appreciate...

#1
this morning i was greeted with an sms from my high sch fren, liying...vr thoughtful of her to give me the moral support tt i need at current state...thank you, liying...appreciate tt a lot... =]

#2
chocolate tt i received last wk which did ease my piss-0ff-ness...glad tt finally my countless bugging works out...thank you...hehe...

#3
let the pics do the talking later...

#4
my dilemma, worries and arguments with my mom and aunt are resolved...phews...thank yous for understanding... =]

#5
i am flying to brunei this coming raya break...with xinweilian, weisheng and his brother...and the happy thing was the tic oni cost me rm63 to and fro...i will feel so sorry for nt booking...it is on raya samo...meaning this trip i might hv a chance to attend the open house of the royalty of brunei...yippie!!! free buffet and hopefully this yr they will give goodies like last yr- chocolates ;)
i am so excited over this trip...need a breakaway from sch...hehe...

#6
all tics are booked!!! bc to pg and pg bc to kk and for cny...another YIPPIE!!!
i am pretty sure tt this time no tics will be burnt...hahha...how awesome!!!

#7
i hv got superbly good supervisor for my fyp which i feel so blessed...it is a bliss to hv the opportunity to work under him and i cant thank him enough for his advice, guidance and everything tt i am provided with...thank you, sir... =]
i think i will owe him alot for i know i cant make him proud...i am not gd in my studies and i am a slow learner...all i hope for is i will not disappoint him though i hv a strong feeling tt i will disappoint him judging from my understanding of my current work...whatever it is, i will still try and not to give up...*hopefully....
the supervisor tt i truly appreciate is none oth than mr. kenneth teo =]

#8
not forgetting to thank all tt stood by me throughout my sad times...i appreciate all the endless moral support tt aids me in crossing over the hurdles tt i have faced...thank you for not giving me up, frens... thank you.... =]

last but not least, as promised...let the pics do the talking... =]

8 of us

two of my coursemates, (from left) pingyang and sia indulge in singing...lol...

sing till tired dy...take a nap...

k, this coursemate of mine claimed tt this is linkin park style which i think it is more to 'tiong hong'...kena angin...hahha...

the product of the ritual of bday...hehe...

the bday boy...cheelin...

brokeback mountain style =p

weisheng happily hitting the most kind-hearted terrorist, sia...lol

unfaithful, another brokeback mountain wif star singing for them

the sleeping buddha, also a merman...

peace, everyone!!!

the 3 musketeers, two singing, one acting cute, one happily looking at the screen, sia missing

3 behind seriously need to be sent to hosp bahagia~kekek

duno why these 2 alw wann fight...and sia alw this kind of look...

singing wif lots of emotions~ another side of ping yang o.O

who says guys dn cam-whore? =p

two of them (again)
hehe

look at hw my course mates sit...fuhhh...legs up, hands up...

k, this is me...smiling for the cam...wif xinweilian as bcdrop...hehe...

the bday boy and the kind hearted terrorist... =]

i, erm, 'accidentally' peeled off the plank....sorry, k-box...we were over excited...

the F1 driver...

the linkin park in action =]

F1 driver's expression damn cute~
the car was moving wen we took the pic... ;)

things hv turned vr sour lately...
kept shedding tears for the past one wk... -ugly-
reason(s)?

suffocation.
i was pushed to a corner til i could not breathe. my patience limit has finally voiced out. which in turn, i freaked out. i got extremely pissed off. i do not know how to frame the dissatisfaction in words. i guess its me to be blamed. too often tt i stayed silence. til the extent tt ppl dn realise my existence and eventually i was neglected and pushed to a corner, shielded...

i cried for almost a wk. it was madness.
me? crying again??? argh~ i hate this form of stress releasing. a way of unleashing tt i nvr agree with. but i cant help it. it just happened. it must be me getting weaker...

i kept crying to dajie over the phone. i guess she is the only person tt i would really show my true feelings. i talked to her for an hr days ago. telling her how depressed i was. she talked me out. she comforted me. she advised me. she is like my real sister. i am fortunate tt she is alw thr when i am down and need someone to cry on. she hated the present me. the unhappy me. the depressed me. i was a total different person she once knew. how much i hated the fact tt i did fall hard and still trying to make a climb bc to my old self.

i hv lost alot of confidence. my morale is at negative i would say.

and when finally dajie has made me feel better, thr comes another hurdle. another argument. another disagreement. another piece of worry tt i hv to face...

p/s: i dislike this piece of entry.

我终于明白
原来你没有我 也可以过得很快乐
但是你知道我没有你
我过得怎样吗?
你不知道
我天天在想着你过得快乐还是委屈

分开前
你变了 变得不一样了
真的不一样了
没有从前的你
那个深怕我生气的你
那个从不盖我电话的你
那个没有我你会不快乐的你
那个我伤心生气时 会把我哄开心的你
没有了

可是我依然停留在有你的日子里
以为一切可以回到从前
真的以为

我很不快乐
非常不开乐
很讨厌我自己当初没有好好的珍惜你
以为是为你好
谁知我错了
自己也受伤了
没关系
你快乐就好
所有都不重要了
最重要是你快乐
已经很足够了

我的心好痛
那种感觉
已经麻木了
不知在多久以前
很久很久以前

都是我的错
都怪我
想对你说对不起
可是已经来不及了

我好想你
真的好想好想
好想好想你

好想可以回到过去
回到你身边...

it was an impulsive decision tt i went for this camp.
it was a last minute decision.
a decision tt has made me more of myself.
i was thinking it must be i was too lost lately tt i need a breakaway.

so i went.
i wan to thank my roommate, ming rei for this.
well, she did not persuade me to go but it was for her companion tt i went for the camp.

i am happy throughout the camp cos i hv learnt more and gained more on things tt kenot be obtained through formal education.

first
i learn to appreciate what i hv.
count my blessings. i learn not to wail over the need to bathe, the need to eat, the need to do alot of things. i am fortunate tt i am stil able to do all tt i can do now when ppl out thr cant. i learn to give more than i could. i learn to appreciate my mom more and not to wait till i am successful and provide her more security. (k, tt was my initial thinking)

second
i learn not to look bc and i hv to look forward.
(i am surprised to listen to the answer of mr. sakai, when asked 'what is your greatest regret in life?' he answered me, 'i could not provide fd and proper shelter to my family.)

mr. sakai is one of the many tt received aid from tzu chi. he was a drug addict. i expected him to tell me tt he regretted his life bc then but no, he gave me an answer tt really made me realised the mistake i hv made; i regret on the past. he told us, dn look bc, look forward, let past be the past, what is important is now, appreciate what we own and hv now...

third
i learn to mingle.
for the past two days, i hv been mixing with people who are younger than i am. in a group of 8. all younger than i am. for this, i am glad i meet new friends. besides tt, i get to meet two lovely 2nd yr medicine students. both the same character, both are roommates and both hv wacky character =] they hv changed the mindset of me tt medicine students hv got whole lots of benefits. in fact, they are just like us. nth extra.

i get to meet an international student in the camp too. she is from china, nanking and from her i learn courage. she shared with us tt she went to ipoh and kl all alone the last break. if i were her, i dn think i would hv done tt. glad meeting her. =]

guess tts all tt i wann share from my camp experience. there are alot more but time restriction. need to get bc to fyp.

let the pics do the talking...

the building of our dorm

the road to our beds

my bed for the 2-day camp

the fans tt were provided for us from tzu chi wen we complained it was too hot. thank you.

one of our break time meal. yam cake ^^ yummy =]

our first breakfast, burger ^^ love it to bits, yummy~
din noe vegetarian burger could be tt tasty

the packing of our burger + our milo

my roommate, ming rei

our gp's father + leader

my coursemate, my fren, my study gp member ^^ benghin aka star =]

our irene shigu, who brought us to visit mr. sakai

the 3 musketeers, tt was wad our leader called us...the noisiest is yong le ^^

my roommate again ^^ =]

us again. unprepared yet. candid.... ;)

k, prepared. group 5 =]
the one with peace sign, is my lovely leader and my lovely gp mate, li yi...
us in front of hanging bridge. scary bridge...
us again. ^^

again. in front of a hut. or a hse. count our blessings.

my lovely gp mate. yong le...the 2nd yr med student who changed my mindset of med students... =]


candid ^^


the lovely and pretty girls~~
:)

after the camp.



all of us.

candid ;)

and last but not least,

our delicious meals... yummy yummy~~ =]

thank you tzu chi. thank you to all tt acc me and gave me a great time during the camp. thank you. =]