this is me

let the pics do all the talking~

it is nw the end of the third wk of my LI.

i gained an experience tt really tested my patience, sanity and my communication skill.
it is difficult, no, make it extremely difficult to be in a world of not your own kind.
i tasted the feelings of being alienated. totally a world of i dn belong thr.

today made me realised how irresponsible a supervisor can be. all he did was to push all the blame to me. for god's sake i DID go to his office the vr first day of my training at 5pm informing him i was going bc. he DID look at the clock displaying it was 5pm and told me tt i could go bc. and today he asked why did i go bc at 5pm??? wtf?! then when the news spread ard the office everyone was like, why did u go bc at 5pm? our time is 5.15pm! walao~ it clearly showed tt whenever i walked out of the office i was transformed into an invisible person. for 3 wks. everyone js kept quiet. and today i was bombarded. by mr shanker. by wati. by everyone.

argh~!!! and all i could do was to 'admit' it was my fault. i was not aware. i kept on saying sorry. for the report is on their hands. anyway, i believe my report is now SCARRED by this fucking incident. to them, it was my fault. besides tt, what was worst, wati questioned me in a harsh tone, (k, she did not look angry but her tone was indeed the kind of u-r-wrong tone) why didnt i punch card for the mth of april? wtf?! (again) excuse me, i started on may 11!!! and the punch card was not even mine!!! it was a chinese name on the punch card and she accused me without even knowing my name!!! jz because the name was a chinese name i got accused for nth!!!

and again, all i could do was to smile and apologised~
(i rmb vr well tt the offer letter did not state my training time. alrite, nw i dn dare to check coz fear tt i rmb wrongly. god, save me.)

i hv no better choice but to continue with the flow and i pray very very hard tt this will end. but. when this ends, it also marks the beginning of another hurdle. another worry tt i hv feared.

graduating

would like to apologize for the remark i made in the previous entry.

i trusted the rite person. *wiping off sweat* phews~
received his call tt clarify he did not betray me.

sorry and thank you.

i feel
a lil disappointed.
a lil out of order.
a lil i-hv-trusted-the-wrong-person-again feeling.

for he is the master.
i am the subordinate.
i hv no choice but to keep quiet.

call nvr ans.
sms nvr reply.

aihs~

thr is a need for me to adjust to this i-do-not-understd-my-master to i-need-learn-to-understd-my-master character.

i am left perplexed.
and i cannot slp.
thinking if i hv trusted the wrong person (again)(again).

i think i hv the kind of look tt everyone thinks it is alrite dn hv to gif a damn of her feelings, she is alw happy and she heals fast.

i am also a human.

a tiring day ended with a smile today... :)
for

mom bought me lots of junk fd and lent me her ears listening to my complaints...
(kind of guilty tt i released my temper on her...hee...but luckily she is understanding enough to allow me to do tt... =] )

met suding + her bf and had a light snack at egate, hongkie...
(happy to see her giggles and the non-stop and the non-vitamin talk...kekek...gonna miss her laughter...)

molly yi lent me her ears listening to my complaints...
(perhaps complaining to mom still not sufficient to channel my phek chek-ness...so i continued the complaints at nite to my lovely aunt...hee....)

saw wei yan at sk...
(had no chance to catch up with her for sk was bz...but it was gd enough tt i saw her...)


special thanks to erjie and benghin for the smses tt kill my boredom.
special thanks to qing wen, ai yen and xin ru for the company of lunch hr. had a great time chatting with them today... =]

aft a 5-day of so-called industrial training, i finally hv the chance to slp in peace today and i wasted most of the time planted myself on the bed. thanks to the usual monthly tsunami attack cycle.

i hv got a negative mood level today. emo. dunno if its coz of the tsunami attack or being alone at home makes my mind wonder wild. life has not been smooth sailing. everything seems to go against the flow.

i have made a promise tt i will not say a word of unhappiness over my LI. well, i did not say it. i blogged it. blogged.

the whole industrial training from day one itself gave me a bad feeling. a feeling tt i would not do anything. i tried to be positive. to give a chance to deny all the negatives tt i hv heard b4 abt industrial training in a not-private company.

1st day~
when the head of the distribution dept told me to be smart on the first day i met him, i was like, 'shit!!! this is it. like what i hv predicted earlier...why didnt u disappoint me what i hv actually expected? argh~' i was told to go chit chat with the staffs and learn whatever i wan to learn on my own. thr was no specific or arranged task. NONE. i did not hv a place either. i had to be nomad. no proper place to sit to do work. no pc. NOTHING. it was a lost feeling. i feel like i am an unwanted child thr. duno whr to go. duno what to do. luckily on tt day someone was on leave so i had a place to sit and to learn up the system used on my own. i did not know exactly what everything was abt. all i did was clicking on the company's intranet here and thr.
and tt was my first day. ugh~

2nd day~
no one was on leave. so i had no place. i stayed at the customer counter the whole day with ms. saroja. she is the person in charge of refunding deposit to customer aft termination of supply. all i did the whole day was attending to some customers and learning my social skill and a lil' on their customer mgmt. and i did some paper work of stamping. aihs. the unwanted child feeling (again)

3rd day~
i checked account. given by ms saroja. the whole day i did checking on the amt of the debts.

4th day~
thank god i hv got ms saroja. or else i really had nth to do. i had to dig for work. argh~ i did customer service today. made phone calls to customers to ask them to come over to claim their deposit. it was kind of fun when dealing with customers. i feel like a santa claus for i ask them to collect money.

5th day~
continued calling...2 hrs break for friday...damn boring...luckily i found a library nearby whr i could spend my time thr reading novel...phews~

k, so far none related to engineering. aihs~
throughout the whole wk, i wan to thank my frens who hv been accompanying me via sms to kill my boredom.

erjie
benghin
xinweilian

and oso the company of qing wen during lunch hr. not forgetting my cousin, qi jie jie for coming all the way to hv lunch wif me.

the 4th May 2009
(one day aft the mark of the break up)

for the first time ever tt i was drunk. i feel so guilty and sinful. i unleashed all my unhappiness tt i hv kept in me for quite some time ever since the break with him. it is now half a yr.

my first guilt.
i went clubbing instead of completing the self assessment and updating log book which were supposed to hand in before leaving for home.

my second guilt.
i lied to molly yi and grandma telling tt i was doing my work when i was actually getting ready to go out.

my third guilt.
i hugged someone. crying.

my fourth guilt.
i leaned on somebody's shoulder. crying.

my fifth guilt.
i left my drinks unattended.

my sixth guilt.
i was drunk most of the time. crying.

my seventh guilt.
i told my ex to sms him telling him tt i miss him. (i will NEVER hv done this if i were sober. NO. i WONT) ugh~!

my eighth guilt.
i allowed someone tt i got to know tt nite to comfort me.

my ninth guilt.
i slpt in the washroom for quite some time and puked near somebody's car.

my tenth guilt.
my first puff in public offered by nurul.

above all, the worst and the last guilt.
i miss him.

i am grateful tt i am safe and sound bc to hostel. thanks to all tt hv taken care of me tt nite.

sharon
heng
heng's fren
nurul
cassidy

i just cant help it but i really would like to blog abt sharon. she impressed me. well, i really salute her. we both drank the same amount of alcohol i believe but she could actually remain sober. she was the one who drove me bc to hostel. and i rmb her eating a bowl of hokkien mee some time before sun rise and my roomie told me tt aft dropping me bc hostel she could actually wake up and attend a talk at 8am in the morning! not only tt, she had breakfast with her aft the talk. and tt was like the second time she went clubbing?! like so unbelievable... perhaps, i shd train myself drinking more. with the help of my father's collection of hard liquor then i would hv beaten her dy...hehe...whatever it is, thank you sharon. nvr tell me you are a kampong gurl. i nvr will believe you...hehe....thank you =] i am happy tt i din spend the nite cracking my head for the lame self assessment thing instead...